I have been on a vacation for the last two weeks now. Everyday I wake up at about nine or ten in the morning, take some breakfast and then sit down to take care of the pending stuff. There is always pending stuff. It consumes an entire day and then another and then another. It never ends. It keeps coming. In fact, this has been the story since I started out- years ago, a decade ago and even more. I can count the days since then when I had just...paused and lived.
I do not feel like pondering or intellectualizing over what life is or is meant to be. All I want to do is take a break from the mundane, just so that I can be healed. Time has not wounded me, but it has scraped at my soul slowly.
Contentment is a great virtue, and it is an attribute I lack. I desire a simple life but I am always ambitious. I chase dreams because I like the challenge of pursuing and then conquering the most difficult of them and yet, that in itself ensures drudgery and banality, a surrender to the rules of the world. There is no freedom or at least a dearth of it in this. It is frustrating and infuriating and yet it is an addiction more difficult than being on drugs.
It is also fascinating how despite having piled on thirty one years of life behind me, I am still unable to address my follies. Anger, hate, and frustration are still able to take away my peace from time to time and I pretend as if something else but my own lack of control let me be gripped by these.
In a movie theater today, several compatriots (I live in a foreign land) had chosen to bring their infants and kids along with them; the kids raised a hell with their din and spoiled the movie almost completely. I was irritated and cursing as I walked out of the cinema hall. I had the venom fill me up and brimming over when suddenly I walked out of the theater and saw the sky above me. I looked up and paused, then took in a long breath and let it go: I was happy, immediately.
I cannot really say at what times I am in control of my life and when I am a slave of my own flesh and blood, but I reminded myself today that whenever I am overcome by fear, anger or hatred I can just close my eyes and breathe, and it will all go away. I feel happy that I am powerful after all.
